Amanda Dissinger, 25, Poet (Brooklyn NY)

poems by @fragglezrock and illustration by @henn_kim 

a brief oral history of men hitting on me via facebook chat

you’re officially a keeper, nothing but a sweetheart
too late for a sexy little thing like you to take the train
i’m not sure what it is about you but you’re easy to think about

up late? heyitwassogoodmeetingyouifyou’reeverintheneighborhoodandwanttograbacupofjoe
i got my foot caught on a treadmill once and haven’t been on one since
i have a bad memory of self-grandiose statements
cheer up pretty girl!
just messin’ with ya cutie
i am talking about balls way too much
you should wear a school girl outfit next time
we could definitely hang out sometime and listen to space disco, and make smoothies i wanna fuck your mouth and make your eyes water
i have too many sexual hangups, so it’s like why even bother?
I always was/will be interested in you especially from a sexual standpoint 

 

all of the men i’ve kissed in the five months since you (or #tbt)

for A, J, D, J, J, C, J, T, B, M, H, G, T, C, E, A, S, B

i hope one day i can find beauty in all this:

1. you were 37, a bassist, a father
you couldn’t stand the sight of me once we were in the same country

2. awkward, unsure, a writer
we made out at the bar you’re not supposed to make out at the first night we met

3. you live in Seattle and I loved you secretly for many years we had the best first kiss of my life
(i can’t wait to kiss you again)

4. you are an actor, though i never figured out if you were good
i bought you a sandwich on our second date and when we sat in central park i could feel you slipping away

5. i didn’t know you were in an open long distance relationship when i took my pants off you kept insisting i was the cutest

6. something about the way you always had to feel important really turned me off thanks for watching the Bachelorette with me though

7. i really thought you would have your shit together at 34, which is why i tried us out again two years removed i fell in love with your tattoos, your aesthetic, your distance, your apartment

8. i almost moved back to my hometown after our first date
you broke my heart and i still can’t stop thinking about how beautiful you can be and how beautiful we once were

9. you’re Canadian and boring
we kissed on your roof for the millionth time and i counted the seconds until i could leave to get a snack

10. i met you on tinder and i loved your distinguished hair you promised you would call but you never did and i forgot

11. we met at a music festival in Atlanta and I was never sure

you left me alone in a house full of strangers after i took off my clothes in front of you and i have never felt so disrespected, so alien

12. your name isn’t spelled correctly, we fell in lust in different states
you were scared and never gave me a fair chance, i still wonder where you are

13. the most literate guy i dated, red hair, studious
you disappeared as quickly as you made your entrance

14. i have no idea why you stopped being attracted to me after that afternoon at the park, those flowers, i don’t even have a good guess

15. i quietly pined for you for four years
you kissed me on my birthday, all rational, no emotions
i felt like i could fly, i hope that one day you will let me fly back to you

16. i really thought we could be something
we were 11 years apart, 15 minutes from my apartment to yours
you wanted too much of me too quickly and then got sick of what i gave you

17. you work at the coffee shop by my work,
mysterious, sensible, a little bit rustic, i’m pretty sure we are already goodbye

18. we had been acquaintances for years
went out for tacos, to a metal bar, rolled around in my bed

i never knew i was so disposable

 

On the men who treat me like I don't matter aka 10/7/2016

There is a man walking up and down my street wielding a power drill like he is God on a

It is the day after Donald trump has declared to the world that he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and everything feels a bit too timely
I have made a promise to myself that I won't waste my time on anyone who treats me in ways that I have never deserved to be treated
I imagine you secretly agree with all the locker room talk of all the other men around you
I imagine you pretend to have a heart so you can get what you want
I imagine that one day you will realize my value and that I am not alive only between the hours of 1am and 4am

I will not be myself on your terms whenever you want ever again
And if you ever get the chance to walk up my street, put those power tools down so I can make them my own Let your guard down Or don't
I don't care either way

You and your kind can't do whatever you want anymore

Saturday at 9am

 

On falling in and out of love

It is

11pm

on a Saturday on Bowery and the lights don't look the same as they once did

I am not young anymore
I give one hopeful day a month
On showing you the city I narrowed down all the places I loved to twelve
Narrowed down all the people I could love to only you
we drank vegan milkshakes, I told you the way I felt about you by the Williamsburg bridge, we made out to the cure in my bedroom like the cliche I can sometimes be

Today I woke up in a daze
Remembered the way I thought about moving back to my hometown without asking you first
The way I thought of tearing everything I've built down for someone I barely knew
Now I can't think of you without thinking of your silhouette in the toy store, the way you navigated the streets of Chinatown, how you would eventually disappear without a second thought
I started drinking because you don't
I started feeling because you can't

I understood what you were saying when you said not ready but I always heard a yet
I accepted you wouldn't return the way I accepted that this maybe isn't where I'm supposed to be anymore I'll never stop picturing you in my bed
I never thought I would call myself indifferent
You said you would be my second like New York
I never thought we'd all end up like this 


Amanda Dissinger is a 25 year old Brooklyn based poet who writes mostly about cities, complicated relationships, pop culture and loneliness. She released her first book of poetry 'This is How I
Will Tell You I Love You'
via Bottlecap Press in May 2015 and an ebook 'It's Fine, I'm Fine, I Think I'm Fine' on Ghost City Press in July 2016. In January 2017,  
Maudlin House just released her latest collection of poetry, 'Sometimes Cool Things Are Terrible' . She recently took on the position of poetry editor at Vagabond City Lit and when she's not reading or writing poetry, her interests include fruit, the library (or any library), 80s music and movies, and print dresses.